WELCOME TO CRAPTURE!
by Roxius
Summary: A crack fic based on the awesome BioShock game. Somewhat follows the beginning of the storyline, and then eventually diverges into an original plot. Please READ AND REVIEW SO I'LL CONTINUE, OKAY! THANK YOU!
1. Welcome to Crapture

A/N: Yes, another multi-chapter crack fic. I'm sorry...NOT!

Anyway, please review, okay? Even if you favorite it, that's not enough to influence me to want to continue it, got it? So...tell me what you think, alright? Also, it doesn't follow exactly with the BioShock storyline, as it ends up going off-course pretty soon after Jack meets with a Big Daddy...

* * *

_"My mommy and daddy said I was destined to have to fight through a horrific underwater utopia overrun with freaks and monsters...and they were partially correct."_

* * *

Jack coughed violently once he reached the surface. Breathing in the cold night air with relief, he thought, 'Man...that was a close one! Who knew shoving a photo of a naked catgirl in the pilot's face would cause such a massive nosebleed that he would lose consciousness, thus crashing the entire plane into the ocean!'

Looking around, Jack realized he was surrounded by flames, so he did the obvious thing and started swimming towards them. Of course, after nearly losing half of his life bar, he decided it would be best to head to the suspicious, creepy light-tower nearby instead.

'Hmm...this place looks peaceful enough.' Jack figured as he ran up the stairway and peeked into the door that was creaked open. Inside was complete darkness, but Jack stepped inside anyway.

"HEEEEEEEEY! IT'S DARK IN HERE!" he shouted out to no one in particular.

Suddenly, the door shut behind him, and the lights flashed on...revealing a large statue of a hateful-looking man glaring down at him. A banner hung in front of the statue, and its words were 'NO ROXIUS, NO YURI...ONLY SERIOUSNESS!'

"Wow...whatever this place is, it sounds like it's just one hole full of SUCK!" Jack remarked, and then he noticed a stairway heading further down into the light-house. Since he had nothing better to do, and he was being paid by the hour, Jack followed the stairs, lights illuminating the darkness as he descended. Eventually, he found a bathysphere sitting in a pool of water, its door open as if it was expecting him.

'Ooh...so exciting! It's like I'm gonna go on a roller coaster ride!...Or something like that!'

Leaping around like a ballerina, Jack jumped into the bathysphere, smacked into the lever with his head, and the door slammed closed behind him. Sitting up, Jack glanced out the small window and watched as the bathysphere descended into the ocean, soon passing 18 fathoms.

Suddenly, a holographic screen flashed on, with an old black-and-white photo of a man with the name 'Andrew Ryan' underneath.

"HEY, I WANNA LOOK OUT AT THE OCEAN, YOU COMMUNIST BASTARDS! ARRRGH!" Jack cried, punching at the screen in annoyance.

"I am Andrew Ryan!" announced a voice from the screen, "I am here to ask you a question: is a man not entitled to the sweat of his brow? No, says the man in my basement, it belongs to Uranus and the Russian Equator Giants. No, says my mother, it belongs to the poodles. No, says my ex-girlfriend, it belongs up my ass. I rejected all those answers. I chose something different. I chose the impossible. I chose...Rapture. Also, we don't have any anthropomorphic talking sponges or singing mermaids here. That was just a rumor, okay?"

Then, the screen vanished, and Jack watched in amazement as the bathysphere rose over a large undersea mountain to reveal a huge underwater city, with various forms of giant sea life calmly passing by. Long pipelines kept the buildings attached to one another and allowed passageway to separate areas of the city. As the bathysphere swerved underneath one of the pipelines, Jack caught notice of a large figure repairing damages on the glass paneling.

Eventually, the bathysphere entered a shaft that sucked it up to the docking area. Looking out the window, Jack noticed a young man slowly backing away from the most hideous lady with hooks he had ever seen.

"This...this is madness!" cried the young man in horror.

"MADNESS?!" snarled the hook-lady, "THIS...IS...CRAPTURE!"

"WHAAAAAAAT?! I...I THINK YOU JUST RUINED THE JOKE, LADY!"

"BALDERDASH!"

Then, she charged at the man and sliced open his belly, splattering blood everywhere.

Jack stepped backwards and gasped. 'H-Holy crap...that was kinda cool!'

As the dead man collapsed to the ground in a puddle of his own blood, the hook-lady glanced up and saw Jack standing inside the bathysphere. Licking her putrid bumpy lips, the lady hissed, "Ahhh...another one, ehh? KYYYYYAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!"

Then, the lights flashed off, and quickly flashed back on again...and she was gone.

"Phew! That was close!" Jack breathed, wiping the sweat from his brow.

Suddenly, a radio receiver, which Jack just noticed was taped to the wall, came to life, and an annoyingly Irish voice on the other end ordered, "Would you kindly grab the receiver here?"

Jack shook his head. "Nope. No thank you. No receiver for me today!"

"W...Wait! What?!" exclaimed the Irish voice.

"I SAID I'M NOT GRABBING THE GODDAMN RECEIVER, YOU IRISH DUMBASS!" Jack snapped.

The Irish voice was silent for a moment. "Would you kindly-"

"I TOLD YOU I DON'T WANNA!" Jack snapped again, grabbing the receiver and screaming into it. By then, he realized he had just grabbed the receiver.

'ARGH! I WAS TRICKED AGAIN!'

"Good job, boyo!" complimented the Irish voice, "The name's Atlas, and I will be yer personal guide through this hellhole known as 'Rapture'."

"...So you're Irish, huh?" Jack muttered.

"What? You wanted a damn Aussie?" Atlas snarled.

Jack shrugged. "At least you ain't that bastard Porky Pig. He owes me ten bucks..."

Atlas had nothing else to say. Slowly, the bathysphere's door creaked open, and Jack stepped outside. Luggage carts, luxury items and other products were strewn all over the floor, and splotches of blood were noticeable every now and then. Taking in a deep breath, Jack stepped forward...and tripped over a wrench.

"Damn kids, always leaving shit in my lawn!" Jack cursed, rubbing his ankle as he stood back up. Holding the wrench in his hands, he swung it around a bit. Suddenly, the hook-lady from before popped back out, but she ended up getting smashed in the face by Jack's erratic swinging patterns, killing her instantly.

"Whoa! I killed one!" Jack exclaimed, "How many points do I get?"

On the receiver's end, Atlas replied, "That was a Splicer, someone whose lost their mind and original body functions due to using too many plasmids. Basically everyone here is either a Splicer, dead or completely insane. Be careful."

Jack gasped. "HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLY...CRAP. I curse alot, don't I?"

Even though Atlas was just a receiver, Jack could tell he was nodding.

'Ah, whatever. At least I don't have to deal with those Jissouseki anymore...ugh...' Jack thought with fire in his eyes and a hand sticking out of his stomach.

And so, the adventures into CRAPTURE begin!


	2. They Splice, They Dice, They Even Kill U

_Jack has unfortunately entered the underwater city of Rapture! With the mysterious Atlas on his side, can he survive?!_

_Now, we are in the Medical Pavilion..._

Sitting casually atop a pile of Splicers he had just killed, Jack said, "You know, Atlas, I've been wondering...are you secretly a woman?"

Atlas was silent on the other end of the receiver for a moment. "...What?"

"You know, it's like how on those sites like FaceBook and MySpace and stuff, guys like to pretend their women, and then things go down the shitter when the person they're seducing finds out about this devilry...do you follow what I'm sayin'?" Jack explained.

"No."

Jack sighed. "Ah, well. The Internet only just started in effect, anyway. Curse our luck to have been born in the early 1900's, eh, Atlas-chan?"

"JUST FIND DR. STEINMEN! HE'S CARRYING THE KEY INTO THE EMERGENCY ACCESS, WHICH LEADS US CLOSER TO THE SUBMARINE WHERE MY WIFE AND KID ARE BEING HELD! HOP TO IT, YOU DAMN BASTARD!" Atlas snapped in a thick Irish accent (too thick to even be considered his actual accent) and shut off all communications for the time being.

Jack shrugged his shoulders and stuck the receiver back in his pocket. As he was getting up, a Leadhead Splicer leaped out from behind him, and tackled him to the ground.

"Give me...your comic boooooks..." it hissed into his ear, its hot breath brushing against his skin.

Jack smirked and said in a mocking tone, "Oh! So you Splicers have THOSE kind of sexual preferences...I never knew...sorry, but I'm not gay, my good man..."

Roaring in fury, the Leadhead Splicer aimed its pistol at Jack's head and was about to fire...but Jack quickly pressed his palm against the Splicer's face and unleashed a powerful blast of electricity, sending the mutated freak flying into the wall.

'It's a good thing I used those Plasmids...' Jack thought, a flashback forming in his empty mind...

* * *

_An hour ago..._

_As he ran up the stairs to the upper floor, Jack was just finishing off a Splicer by bashing its head in when he noticed an odd shelf storing several large bottles with red liquid inside. Walking up to the shelf, he ran his fingers over the glass bottle, wondering if what it held within was possibly a kind of soft drink...or blood._

_"Those are Plasmids. Give ya freaky powers. They'll help ya fight off the Splicers..." Atlas explained on the receiver._

_Jack thought for a moment. "Uh...Will I get in trouble?"_

_"What're ya sayin', boyo?"_

_"I DON'T WANNA MOMMY AND DADDY TO FIND OUT I'M TAKING STEROIDS!" Jack cried loudly in despair__._

_"THEY'RE NOT STEROIDS, YOU DUMBASS SHITHEAD!" snapped Atlas, his Irish accent suddenly replaced with a thick Bronx accent. However, he quickly regained his composure and his beloved Irish tea-time as he then said, "...Just take it, okay, boyo?"_

_Picking up the Plasmid bottle, Jack realized he had to inject it into his arm. "...Shouldn't I get a cotton wipe and an alcohol pad first?"_

_"I'M GONNA SHOVE THAT GODDAMN PLASMID DOWN YOUR-" Atlas screeched threateningly._

_Frightened out of his wits, Jack injected himself with the Plasmid...and he immediately stumbled backwards and fell over the railing._

_"Whoop! There goes my dingle-berry!" _

_Lying on the floor a twitching mess, Jack just watched in silence as two Splicers walked up to his 'corpse' and began speaking to one another._

_"Heh heh keh...he looks like Ronald Reagen when he won his 15th Award for Best Actor in the Movie Little Women...FUCKAH..."_

_"Dude...lay off the drugs."_

_Suddenly, the sound of loud thumping, similar to thunder, filled the room. "Crap! It's the fuzz! Let's split, Willy White!" exclaimed the drugged-up Splicer before he and his comrade ran off in fear._

_'Uh...is the cutscene over yet...?'_

_"Look, Mr. Bubbles...an angel..."_

_'...I guess not...'_

_A small girl (the most hideous one Jack had ever seen) came running up to examine him, and behind her was a giant golem-like creature, a giant drill in replace of its right hand. Its many eyes, which were really just the glass holes of its helmet, gleemed a bright piss-yellow light._

_Cocking her head to one side, the little girl remarked, "Aww...Mr. Bubbles, it seems he's still alive. Oh, well," she smiled innocently, "He'll be an angel soon enough."_

_"I PITY THE FOOL." was what Jack was sure he heard be uttered as a grunt from the giant golem's being._

_Then, they left, and Jack lost consciousness again due to the massive amount of UGLY he had just seen in the last minute._

_'OH...MY...GOD...'_

_

* * *

_

Remembering that moment, Jack chuckled to himself. 'Good times...good times...' he thought, not noticing the Splicer gnawing on his head.

After killing a hell of alot more Splicers and obtaining the Plasmids 'Incinerate!' and 'Telekinesis', Jack made his way into the darkest reaches of the Medical Pavilion. Jack bravely smashed a Splicer's face in and blew away several Security robots with electric blasts as he entered the room titled 'Surgery'.

'Hmm...I'm like Indiana Jones and the Samurai Pizza Cats combined!' Jack thought, impressed with himself.

As he walked further, Jack was able to see a figure working vigorously on a corpse inside the Surgery Room. A giant glass wall separated them, but it was obvious who it was. It was the man Jack was searching for; Dr. 'FUCKED UP IN THE HEAD' Steinmen.

'A wrench a day keeps Steinmen ten feet underground...' Jack thought, failing at an attempt to make a riddle.

Growing closer, Jack was able to hear Steinmen shouting loudly to himself as he dug into the Splicer's corpse with a hatchet. "OOGLY! OOGLY OOGLY OOGLY! This one; he likes playing Tetris while on the shitter. That one; smokes weed twice a day, every day. The one above me; she fucked my dog AND my antelope! THEY ALL SUCK! SUCK SUCK SUCK SUCK! SUCKITY SUCK SUCK!"

Then, he stopped his rant for a moment when he glanced up and realized Jack was watching him.

'Oh...fuck.' Jack thought, quickly getting his new pistol ready for action.

"WHAT'S THIS, GODDESS? AN INTRUDER? HE'S OOGLY! OOGLY OOGLY OOGLY OOGLY OOGLY! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGLY!" Roaring like a mad beast, Steinmen pulled out a machine gun and began firing at the glass window, shattering it to pieces.This gave Jack the chance to get inside the room and take on Steinmen himself.

"YOU THINK I'M OOGLY?!" Jack snapped, "DUDE, I'M PROBABLY THE MOST HANDSOME BASTARD IN THIS WHOLE GODDAMN CITY! SERIOUSLY! I NEARLY PUKED OVER THE FREAKIN' AMOUNT OF 'OOGLY' IN THIS DAMN PLACE!"

Steinmen didn't seem to care, and he sent out another spray of bullets.

'Hmph...time to go Trauma Center on this bitch...'

Jack quickly dashed forward, making sure to avoid the bullets,and he slid right into Steinmen, knocking the crazed doctor off balance. Then, without a moment to spare, Jack pressed the pistol into Steinmen's face and pulled the trigger, blowing his brains out.

Steinmen slumped to the floor, and Jack wiped the sweat from his brow. "THAT'S HOW BATTLES AGAINST NORMAL HUMANS SHOULD BE LIKE!" he exclaimed furiously.

Grabbing the Emergency Accesskey from Steinmen's person, Jack headed back out...


End file.
